35 years and counting!

I am going to be 35 in a couple of weeks. I had plans, hugeplans for my 35th birthday but this time my plans have crashed. I can’tafford to go on that hiking trip I so wanted to go to. And I am not feeling sad about it. I am sure there is a next time and I am going on that trip if not today, someday soon. Wow, I never thought I am so strong unless being strong was all I had.

So looking back, what have I achieved being in this planet for 34 years? Other than the fact that I am single, I don’t think I have a reason to complain. I have a house, I have a car, I have a job, I am fit (fittish rather :). And yes, I do have loans. But from the humble beginnings I had I have come so far.

Just looking back, when I was in college, a time I had to take tuitions for kids in my neighborhood to make sure I have enough money to go to college did I ever dream that I will buy a car. No, at that time all I wanted was to finish college and start working so that I could be of some help to my family. Since I didn’t have a dad, my mom, my sister  and I used to live in a joint family with my mom’s sister and her brother, his wife. We never got enough of anything. We were always the unwanted and the extras in the house. There was no hope for us. It was just about spending today. I am sure we 3 have contemplated suicide several times. But yes, as I always say there are two sides to a coin. And now we are living the other side of the coin. We are content. Well there is so much more I want.

But from where we were, we have come so far. And if anything this journey has made me only stronger.

About me being single, my relatives find it as a big blackmark. Well, it’s true that I haven’t been able to find a good guy (in some occasions fate had played cruel jokes). But when I look back, I think it was for the best. I don’t think, I will ever make a good wife, I don’t think I have the patience to take care of a kid. And I don’t think I can take up such responsibilities. I seriously don’t understand that some people take loans to get married and they are worried how to pay it back. And I am always asking is it so important to be married?

I always have this nightmare, since I will make a disaster wife. The husband will hate me and will torture me. I am not so good with confrontations. That will only make life more difficult. I am straightforward.I can’t act to be good. Coz of these negative qualities in me, I find it better that am single. I just wish I could explain it to people who ask me why I am not married!

Life is content

Writing here after a long time, the last time I wrote a blog if I remember it right was when I was heartbroken. I like to think I have come a long way from there. As a person, I feel more mature. I am able to keep my temper in check. (Most of the times at least). I feel this is what financial security does to you. Or it is something that happens when you are financially balanced. There was a time not so long ago when I couldn’t afford to buy anything for myself. I remember one time I didn’t have the money to repair the puncture on my car tire and I drove home with the punctured tire. Another time, tire punctured, I was dropping a few colleagues on the way and I had to ask my friend/colleague to pay for the repair. Luckily it was only some 100+ and I could pay him the next day. Oh, I have seen the lows in life. I had hit rock bottom. I think I did stay strong during those times. I didn’t show how vulnerable I was. I used to feel bad that I couldn’t afford to do anything for anyone. Not even buy them a small gift for their birthdays. I used to feel bad about everything in life. How unlucky I was. But one think even at the worst point of my life, I was compassionate. I helped in whatever way I could. Though I alienated all friends and hardly stepped out when I had to spent money. I remember going to church and praying for only one thing. To be financially secure. Money was such an important thing. Am scared to be happy, things are going well with me. And I don’t know what bad news awaits me at the corner. I am particularly scared of my health. I need to see a dentist. It’s very important. But I think it will break this happy, content bubble I am living in. If you ask me I want to go see a dentist now and my gut says there is something bad and I need to get treated yesterday.