35 years and counting!

I am going to be 35 in a couple of weeks. I had plans, hugeplans for my 35th birthday but this time my plans have crashed. I can’tafford to go on that hiking trip I so wanted to go to. And I am not feeling sad about it. I am sure there is a next time and I am going on that trip if not today, someday soon. Wow, I never thought I am so strong unless being strong was all I had.

So looking back, what have I achieved being in this planet for 34 years? Other than the fact that I am single, I don’t think I have a reason to complain. I have a house, I have a car, I have a job, I am fit (fittish rather :). And yes, I do have loans. But from the humble beginnings I had I have come so far.

Just looking back, when I was in college, a time I had to take tuitions for kids in my neighborhood to make sure I have enough money to go to college did I ever dream that I will buy a car. No, at that time all I wanted was to finish college and start working so that I could be of some help to my family. Since I didn’t have a dad, my mom, my sister  and I used to live in a joint family with my mom’s sister and her brother, his wife. We never got enough of anything. We were always the unwanted and the extras in the house. There was no hope for us. It was just about spending today. I am sure we 3 have contemplated suicide several times. But yes, as I always say there are two sides to a coin. And now we are living the other side of the coin. We are content. Well there is so much more I want.

But from where we were, we have come so far. And if anything this journey has made me only stronger.

About me being single, my relatives find it as a big blackmark. Well, it’s true that I haven’t been able to find a good guy (in some occasions fate had played cruel jokes). But when I look back, I think it was for the best. I don’t think, I will ever make a good wife, I don’t think I have the patience to take care of a kid. And I don’t think I can take up such responsibilities. I seriously don’t understand that some people take loans to get married and they are worried how to pay it back. And I am always asking is it so important to be married?

I always have this nightmare, since I will make a disaster wife. The husband will hate me and will torture me. I am not so good with confrontations. That will only make life more difficult. I am straightforward.I can’t act to be good. Coz of these negative qualities in me, I find it better that am single. I just wish I could explain it to people who ask me why I am not married!

Life is content

Writing here after a long time, the last time I wrote a blog if I remember it right was when I was heartbroken. I like to think I have come a long way from there. As a person, I feel more mature. I am able to keep my temper in check. (Most of the times at least). I feel this is what financial security does to you. Or it is something that happens when you are financially balanced. There was a time not so long ago when I couldn’t afford to buy anything for myself. I remember one time I didn’t have the money to repair the puncture on my car tire and I drove home with the punctured tire. Another time, tire punctured, I was dropping a few colleagues on the way and I had to ask my friend/colleague to pay for the repair. Luckily it was only some 100+ and I could pay him the next day. Oh, I have seen the lows in life. I had hit rock bottom. I think I did stay strong during those times. I didn’t show how vulnerable I was. I used to feel bad that I couldn’t afford to do anything for anyone. Not even buy them a small gift for their birthdays. I used to feel bad about everything in life. How unlucky I was. But one think even at the worst point of my life, I was compassionate. I helped in whatever way I could. Though I alienated all friends and hardly stepped out when I had to spent money. I remember going to church and praying for only one thing. To be financially secure. Money was such an important thing. Am scared to be happy, things are going well with me. And I don’t know what bad news awaits me at the corner. I am particularly scared of my health. I need to see a dentist. It’s very important. But I think it will break this happy, content bubble I am living in. If you ask me I want to go see a dentist now and my gut says there is something bad and I need to get treated yesterday.

A walk back home on a rainy day

It was supposed to be a nationwide transport strike today. I planned to wake up late as there shouldn't be any traffic on the road and i can still reach office by 0930. Woke up at 8 got ready for office and was about to leave when i cousin called and asked if i need the car of if he can take it. So i suggested he can take the car as long as drops me to office and i will find my way back home in the eve. There was plenty of traffic and had to wait at every signal for a few mins and i reached office late. 

As soon as i reached office i announced that i need a drop in the evening. A Anyways I knew my manager will drop me at least half way and i can walk from there. But by noon i realized that he is not coming to office and i have to find other options. By 4 PM it i heard its raining heavily. I dropped the plan to walk and thought of taking an 'Ola'. But as usual these days 'Ola' was not available. 

Prag offered to drop me half way and i could try getting an auto from there...so i hopped on her Activa

.(We always joke that by time i get down from the vehicle i shake it so much that her kidneys and liver are dislocated.) We just reached the main gate of office and again in started raining. I didn't want to get drenched so i opened my umbrella. it was very difficult to sit on the bike with my handbag on one hand, my lunch bag and my umbrella on the other and no free hand to hold the bike or her. So i told her i rather get down and walk then sit on the bike with so many things in hand wondering when i will fall of. 

I started my walk (which is less than 5Km) braving the rain and traffic. And yes, there was hell a lot of traffic from all corners no one following the signals. Managed to cross the first junction without causing much damage to myself and not poking the umbrella into someone else's eyes. It was getting windy and my umbrella went with the wind. So i reached brigade road with my broken umbrella and i heard the road side vendor saying umbrellas for Rs. 100 so i stopped to check if it was worth buying. And it was kids umbrella so i told him no and walked off which was fine with the vendor. But rain or sun there is no dearth for jerks on the road who had to pass some lewd comment. I continued my walk noticed a good Samaritan who tripped on a log but he made sure to pick the log and put it on the side to avoid somebody else falling. Our eyes met and  I wanted to tell him good job but you know today's world. To quote a post i read on FB..." Chivalry is so uncommon these days that its mistaken for flirting." No i didn't want any of that. 

Continued walking as the traffic grew because of trees uprooted and blocking the roads. The two wheeler's had taken over the footpath. No place for pedestrians to walk. Navigated my way through the vehicles, trees and electric wires. Then i see my neighbor driving waiving at me signalling that he can offer a drop. Which i politely declined. It was getting dark and it was difficult to walk making sure i don't step on a live wire and get electrocuted. 

All this while i couldn't hide a smile.I declined a drop, i was walking all the way back and i wouldn't stop until i see the finish line which is of course my house. From the time i started training for long distance running the finish line has become such an important aspect of my life. No taking short cuts. Take the longer route, enjoy the surroundings.  I have changed so much. There was time i was ready to pay even Rs. 100 for a 1KM ride by auto and here is a new me who would rather walk it. I enjoy life so much more these days. I am in love with the new me ;). 

NOTE: 2 wheeler riders - Please leave the footpath to the pedestrians. Everyone is in a hurry. But that doesn't mean you take over the footpath. 

- Drivers who put on the high beam and drive, there is an option to turn to normal lights. Use that, makes life easier for everyone. 

 

PS: I wanted to take a selfie of me walking with so many things in my hand but i didnt want to turn of my run keeper and i didn't know how to navigate the phone to go to camera. So i am adding a pic of my run keeper.